Devin Fletcher, Not a Jew

Sorry to disappoint Beth, I will not be joining your brood any time soon (see previous post), because I have once again been revitalized. Today, I did two miles of a run/walk. My ribs are feeling mostly healed and I will not be defeated.

Last night in class, we talked about sabotage, and sometimes I feel like I sabotage myself, by too often taking the easy way out, being content with mediocrity when I am capable of greatness. And I am capable of greatness. Twas the poet, actually he's a senator now, who said, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me." So, even though I'm kind of a fatty, and even though I am not running's biggest fan, and even though injuries have put me behind schedule, I am not quitting. I am making P.F. Chang, his stupid race, and by extension most of east Asia, my beeotch.

Kim Jong Il, Godzilla, Hu Jin Tao, Lucy Liu, Lisa Ling, Charlie Chan, Hello Kitty, Collins Elementary 92-96, The Crying Indian*, Connie Chung, The Panda Express Panda, Chinese Hutchins, You're all on my list. Watch out.

*No, he's not asian, but he's not an Indian either, so whattayagonnado?

Devin Fletcher, Vespa Jew.

So it’s been a couple of weeks. My knees are healed up, but I have new injury, my ribs. I accidentally injured them at the Harry Potter opening night extravaganza. I got into a fistfight with a dude dressed as Victor Krum after a disputed round of wizard chess*. He socked me in the ribs and they’ve been hurting ever since. That’s all I remember from it, but it’s the last time I drink butterbeer. I mean it this time.

Anyhow, this has really limited my running because it hurts when I sleep, or lie down or run. I am beginning to think that the odds are stacked against me.

Thanksgiving didn’t help because the lovely Amanda Porter made the best turkey I have ever eaten. Normally, I have an obligatory slice and move on to the potatoes, but I went back for about six slices.

Needless to say, I am disheartened. I feel like I should officially give up on this run, but I am not going to do that. Even if I have to walk the entire way, I am finishing this race.

Maybe I'll just ride one of these.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, haters. I sincerely doubt that I have any haters, at least haters that read this blog.

So it comes down to this. I am finishing this race or getting a vespa and converting to Judaism.**

*may not be true
**definitely true

Cast off the crutches and walk!

Brothers and Sisters! I have been healed! Last night, I was visited by a wonderful force and I have recovered! Who could do such a thing?

nope.

nope. (wait. why was there an official patch adams soundtrack?)

Sadly, no.

No, I was healed by a force known as sleep and rest. Maybe praying too. But the sleep, boy, let me tell you about the sleep! As you know, I have been in quite a bit of pain for the past week or so. I haven't been able to run at all and I have hardly been able to train in any way. Well, the rest has paid off because last night I was able to run and walk half a mile, including a few sections of wind-sprints. Then I jump-roped until my back started hurting. You see I have a touch of the arthritis and am officially old.
.

Margie, I gotta go, my stories are on.

Tonight, I was able to run a mile with a little cool-down walk at the end. My knee is actually a little tender still, which is why I didn't go longer, but still, that is markedly improved since a week ago, when I could hardly walk. Prefontaine, here I come.

Laura will tell you I have this mildly hare-brained theory that all diseases can be cured by sleeping and drinking copious amounts of water. Constipation, water. Crotch rot, sleep. Hysterical Pregnancy, water and sleep. She mocks me for it, but she is just jealous because she only gets five hours a night and can't make a boom-boom.

Finally, a word of advice. When searching for a picture of "Hello Nurse" from Animaniacs, don't type in 'sexy nurse'. Just go with hello nurse. Thought you should know.

Love and Smooches, your comrade in legs,
Devin Fletcher

See My Vest

So Laura is out running even as we speak and I am sitting here blarging and watching beauty and the beast

aside: I found out recently that Jerry Orbach, the guy who played Lenny of Law and Order played Lumiere on B and the B.




What the eff?

Here is him doing Be our Guest on the 1992 Oscars.



or if you prefer



(end aside)

So anyway, Laura got back and had run four miles. That makes twelve miles for the week. I have walked five, maybe six. I can't tell you how frustrated I am by this knee. What am I supposed to do? I feel like I can't train because I would rather have the knee heal than risk blowing it out entirely,

Sympathy Pains in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1

but I don't want to undertrain and hate myself on race day. The biggest concern is that Laura will leave me in the dust. So I submit to you, internetland, that I will give it one more day and really test out my knee. Then I will ease back into training and just go with my theory that I have more endurance than Laura anyway, so really, she is just catching up to me right now.

Love and kisses,
Devin Fletcher

The Ghost of Kendrick Perkins Past.

So we all remember the worst day of 2010:



These twenty-two seconds have haunted me for months, and now the haunting's come back for round two.

For you see, I hurt my knee. Laura and I have been training the last week together. Last time we ran, I felt like I had to stop after two miles, which was true because I woke up the next morning in a lot of pain and haven't been able to run since. This isn't muscle soreness, but actual pain. I am worried that this will hinder my training a bit.

Here is what I want to be:


And here is what I feel like:

"Why today? It's Christmas Day!"

Back to the knee. I was limping around and I was visited by Jacob Marley. Wait, no. I am going to continue with this NBA theme, I was visited by Dan Majerle and he told me that if I kept with my miserly (read: fatty) ways I would lose my soul (read: joints) to hell (read: osteoperosis). Maybe it was a ghostly visitation. Or maybe it was one of Scrooge's fragments of underdone potato (read: hershey bar).

And then there were two . . .

So today I was joined by the lovely laura fletcher (nee jones) on my training. She and I signed up for the marathon on the same day and since I have trained for maybe five days total, I am going to count that as my advantage and hold it over her until the day she actually beats me at the race.

We did a total of two miles and since I was trying to get back into the swing of things and laura was just starting up, we did 8 laps at the GHS track.

Lap 1: walk

Lap 2: walk

Lap 3: walk

Lap 4: RUN!

Lap 5: walk

Lap 6: walk

Lap 7: RUN!

Lap 8: cool down walk (which was exactly the same as the five other walking laps, but this makes us sound like experienced runners. Expect to see me on the cover of runner's world next month.)

Also make sure to check out my new best selling Oprah Book club novel from Penguin Classics:

The Goat Runner

heart and smooches,

Devin

P.S. Today marks five years since Laura and I met. We were introduced outside of institute, which, while kind of lame, is better than meeting her in a bar. Thanks as always to Darson K. Muchas gracias por eternidad.

I'm back!

Dear peeps,

I know I haven't posted on here in a month. For shame, tsk tsk, etc. While I would like to say that I was playing nine-pins with some alcoholic ghosts up in the Catskills and passed out from their spirit spirits, I have been otherwise engaged.

So here's what happened. For the last month, we have been moving. First we moved Reid out of his house. So much stuff. So. Much. Stuff. Then we moved Emily, Bubs, and Annie out to our new house. Then we started moving ourselves out of our house. The point I'm getting at is, I was way too tired to run. I have walked and I have lifted heavy boxes and furniture for hours on end, but I haven't run. Well, I take that back. I was about to start running again until about two weeks ago and then I had a bad toothache one night. Two weeks and two root canals later, I am pretty much healed. I have to admit, it was pretty terrible. I had about three nights in a row where I only got one hour of sleep, never mind how much it hurt. Anyway, that's all behind me. I give my word to floss a lot more frequently. So what about the running?

Just you wait Henry Higgins, just you wait. I'm getting to it. I started running again two nights ago and it was really just a warm up run, probably a half mile or so, but even though I have a lot of catching up to do, I don't want to over do it in the first week. Still, I need to be careful that I don't undertrain. I have decided that I need to recruit this guy to shout eff bombs any time I start to slow down.

It's not like he has any plans this week. I gotta go make a few calls. I might be able to swing this. Trust me, I know a guy.

Run #3

I just finished by third run and I have determined that I can do this. Sure I was about to pass out and sure I burst in the door wheezing and looking like I was ready to have a heart attack,



but I made it. I went 1.15 miles and I hated the last 75% of it. But I did it. Every time I thought I was going to have to quit, the phrase "Mental Toughness" popped into my head and I kept going. So keep going.

Love and kisses.

P.S. The actual phrase was "Hey half-marathon, go f*** yourself!" but this is a family show.

Today's miles: 1.15
Total miles: 3.0

Missed Run

I intended to run last night. I really did, but some things came up and I haven't run since Friday and I am worried that this might develop into a habit. I am for sure running tonight because the last thing I want to do is let myself down by getting lazy and flaking out. So I go forward with a new resolve. Even if I have to run in the middle of the night or early in the morning, I am not going to miss another scheduled run.

Here's why. Yesterday, they had health screenings at work. Apparently, Chuck wants us to be healthy little cats and gave us an incentive of $100 if we did it. Here are the results:

Height: 6' 2"

Weight: 228 lbs.

BMI: 29.1

Body fat percentage: 25.9

So based on this, it should be obvious that I need to trim down a little bit. It continues.

Blood pressure: 124/74

Not the end of the world, in fact, this shows that I have reduced it by quite a bit.

Total Cholesterol: 226

HDL (good) cholesterol: 32

Ratio: 7.1

Same story, I need to lower my total and raise my HDL.

Waist circumference: 45 This is the one that I wasn't going to include because it is embarassing, but in the interest of full disclosure and motivation, I had to include it.

I do have an impressive stat in the midst of all this fattery, my blood sugar. It was at 92 mg/dl. I should start to be worried if it is greater than 120 ml/dl. This impressed me, because last year, it was low as well, which assuages my fears about getting diabetes any time soon. Not that I can rest on my laurels, but I am not worried about Wilford Brimley knocking on my door.

So that's my current status. I intend to improve from there, and I am convinced that I will. To quote Adam, Prince of Eternia "I have the power!" and to quote a young, mumbling Julian "Jack" Fletcher "Umpaaa!"

Now, since no one really cares about running and you all are really here to be entertained. I am going to tell you a joke I just made up.

-What movie is a diabetic's favorite?
-My Left Foot

Hi-yo!

Love and kisses.

Shabbat

Since my legs are sufficiently sore, and I just worked for ten hours, I am taking the day off from running; kind of an eff this ess day. When I am not actively exercising, or recovering from exercise, I have a hard time not eating crap. For example, Laura is making Macaroni and Bacon, which is Annie's brand White Cheddar macaroni and cheese with lots of bacon in it. Lots. Of. Bacon.


Side note about Kevin Bacon: In 2003, Katie Brunelle (nee Smythe) tried to get me to put my hair into a pompadour despite my firmly held convictions that blond pompadours are stupid. Side Side note:If you don't have dark hair, you shouldn't try to look like a greaser. Actually, you shouldn't ever try to look like a greaser. 1955 is gone and it's never coming back. For your viewing pleasure, I present what happens when you have a blond pomp.


Back to the original side note! So Katie tried to give me a Blond Pompadour and it made me look like Kevin Bacon. I was furious. Absolutely furious. Nobody wants to look like Kevin Bacon. Not even Eric (see previous post) wants to look like Kevin Bacon. Here's the problem. I swear she used some unholy combination of Bear Grease, epoxy, and three kinds of cement to make it stick. It took forever to get out and I basically looked like Kevin Bacon for three days. Furious.

Oh yeah, this is a blog about running.

So I did go for about 1/3 of a mile, but I was walking the whole time because I was at work and i was just circling the building, so I don't think that really counts. To add in some legitimate exercise, I did some free-weights tonight. I am tired now and trying not to eat the Macaroni and Bacon. You can guess how effective that will be. So that's all for today. Tomorrow will be the actual sabbath, so I will probably rest again. Love and kisses.

P.S. Yes, I do realize this post is titled "Shabbat" and I spent most of it talking about how much I love bacon, so don't bother pointing that out. Sorry Jews . . . and Muslims . . . and pigs.

Run #2

So, I upped my distance today. I ran a mile and I am beginning to remember why it is that I don't run a lot. I am out of shape. 100 yards from home, I wanted to give up and walk the rest of the way. But then an image popped into my head. The image that haunts me every time I reach for another no-bake, or choose DP instead of water. This guy.
Now, I really could have put that 1200 lb. guy from Mexico, or Al Roker (pre-stomach staple), or maybe Dom DeLouise (R.I.P.), but I really don't think that those are likely scenarios. As sedentary as I am, I am active enough and don't eat enough to get that obese. What is very likely is that I will always be this guy. We'll call him Eric.

While Eric isn't too overweight, he has the obvious gut. Additionally, he has moobs, man boobs, he-hooters, whatever you would like to call them. These aren't your normal, "Even Kiera Knightly would hardly be jealous" flab-pockets. He has a spare tire sitting on top of his spare tire. Eric is a wet-nurse.

I don't want to be Eric. I don't think even Eric wants to be Eric. That aside, he is obviously comfortable enough with his body to take a topless photoshoot and let it be posted on the internet. So I move on to the bigger reason why I need to not be Eric and why you need to not be Eric. Eric will probably have some sort of Heart Condition, or maybe diabetes. Ladies don't like the spare tire, but ladies really don't like the amputated leg.

Unless you're this guy.

So I am going to keep running, even though I fear it may kill me. Someday soon, it won't be as awful as it currently is. Love and kisses.

Today's Mileage: 1.0
Total Mileage: 1.85

Half Marathon

So yesterday, Laura and I signed up for a half-marathon. We gave a lot of (read: no) thought to it beforehand, and already paid the non-refundable entry fee, so here we are. This blog will catalog the transformation of two overweight layabouts into Carl and Carla Lewis.



Wait, Carl Lewis was a sprinter, so that is hardly a good comparison. You know what? I will be Steve Prefontaine's mustache.



And Laura will be FloJo's sweet, sweet hair.



Last night was our proverbial fat tuesday before we begin the four months of training and preparation for this seemingly insurmountable task. Laura enjoyed a Kit Kat and some Mexican food from El Rico's. I partook of Dr. Pepper, a Hershey's Cookies and Cream Bar, and a Double Orange Chicken at Panda. It was good while it lasted. And by good, I mean my stomach nearly exploded. So today is the first day of training and I have already gone for one run. I ran a half mile and I dern near puked. After the run, I entered my apartment panting and quoting G.O.B.

"I've made a huge mistake."

So this is where it begins. I am jazzed about the race. We will destroy this thing. Feel free to check up on our progress throughout the coming months. Love and kisses.

Today's Mileage: .85
Total Mileage: .85